It is remotely reassuring that something as queer as the subject of these outpourings has a history - a history that isn't unfortunate enough to remain untold. It is reassuring that none of the errors of that six sigma human factory that some may call heaven ever go unnoticed. There is hope for every IITian to be written about by overcritical observers of humanity with an eye for freaks. I, Rahul Pratap, seek to convert the immense slander potential that Baal offers, into useful slander work.

It is almost inconceivable that a place as murderously dull as the Ramaiah Concentration Camp can ever be brightened up by the presence of characters as colourful as our Baal. Now, Baal very clearly was physically underequipped for the institute - he was missing a buffalo hide, and he could snap like a twig even if playfully patted on the back. And here, hands and backs and hands and cheeks were all too familiar with each other and none too playfully! And yet Baal slept, Baal awoke, Baal survived and Baal entertained. Baal entertained!

June 1998, first week of classes at Ramaiah's, is when the Maths lecturer with an ego the size of Manhattan, tested among other things, the students' understanding of the definition of an angle. First week is when Baal stood up to answer, "Suhrr, the inn-kleh-nytion", only to be bellowed at in Telugu to sit down; the exact words, I believe, make a disrespectful reference to one's funeral pyre! (The actual definitions of an angle are nauseatingly technical and I shall find good cause to skip them here. See Appendix C) First week is when Balavamsi became famous - as the "stick with Mahatma Gandhi's head, who answered that question I don't care how ridiculously, but Oh my God, what is that accent?!"

That is as long as those of us from Hyderabad have known Baalavaamsi ('aa' pronounced as the 'a' of cat). And apparently, nobody before us had ever found that accent of his out of the ordinary! It may be easily explained by the fact that the Gults that formed the bulk of his company before were impressed by his accent and probably held him in awe as the 'Amreeca Abbayi'! Even the Chemistry lecturer at Ramaiah's would feel infinitely kicked to clear the many doubts that this foreign student raised!

This far, Baal was only so odd - he had a horrendous accent. There were other signs that I should have gathered more from. Baal and I were in the same Junior College. Both of us used to play a certain word game during classes, and even during the exams, with the invigilator's permission! Little has changed. Now, he doesn't need me to help him disrespect his academics any more - he needs only my computer! Or a pack of cards and three other lamebrain bridge fanatics (Condo's services as dummy are always available and may be taken for granted - so that's one lamebrain down!). Or a book of German fairy tales. And he hated the back of his head being touched. Don't ask why!

So Baal made his way to IITM soon enough, though all those mosquitoes that decided to pick on someone their own size left him wrestling with malaria and he had to go back to shiver in the safety of his own home, which ironically, is not very far from the Sir Ronald Ross hospital in Hyderabad!

And Baal came back to IIT soon enough, and got back to entertaining the people around him with his accent, as was his wont. I remember taking a sample intro from him, just so he'd learn a quick lesson or two on behaving with a senior in case he was almost bulldozed by one around the corner. It went something like this: (appropriately nasal; you know how the 'aa' is pronounced!)
My name is Taatavaarthiey Baalavaamsi.
I hayel from Hyderabad.
I suh-kyoured All India Rank 178 in JEE.
If so the story had gone on much longer, and if I had not shrugged that alternative vocabulary off his head, Baal might not have lived to see his story told.

And Baal met the seniors soon enough. And all his no-abuse principles were consequently trashed by the threat to his life that the circumstances posed. Like all good Gults, Baal uttered four distinct abuses in his mother tongue, and he became, Obviously Basically Actually Laanj! And like some less obstinate Gults, Baal broke into a song in his mother tongue - Zhaamuraatiri Zhaabilaama Jolapaadala Ilaa!

And Baal came to be celebrated soon enough - for the Baalisms! Try your hand at these: (solutions in Appendix A!)
Zhackedeck, Zhackpoosh, Saambuhree, Paypuhrpurred, PP Poosha, Manuspeeking, Trnmnltrnpnthdevnstnm, Manjchee.

More recently, Baal has been up to so much no-good, it's really quite a blur! One summer full of Caesar III at home followed by one semester of Disciples Gold in my room. He even went to the extent of burning eight, or was it twelve, Saarang hours (I repeat, Saarang hours!!!) at my unfortunate computer, celebrating the monument to obsessive compulsive lunacy that we know as Baldur's Gate II - The Shadows of Amn. He went on to sit through many more such sessions in the remainder of the semester.

Somewhere in between, Baal survived, in fact, slept through the fan in his room falling to the floor. He hasn't learned enough from this close call, though. And this time around, he's not using his new lease of life to do God's work! He's still up to no good - Dungeon Siege, Liero, Worms Armageddon, Gnibbles, Konquest and a couple of laughably small strategy games.

And of course, now he's doing a Chartered Financial Analyst course via correspondence, as I suppose most deranged, underage Computer Science engineers with funny accents and two extra bones in their neck tend to! This was to Baal. Don't ever stop surprising us!

Appendix A - Solution to Baalisms

Zhackedeck: jaake dekh (Hindi for 'go look')
Zhackpoosh: jaake pooch (Hindi for 'go ask')
Saambuhree: sambar ee (Telugu for 'give (me) sambar')
Paypuhrpurred: paper padh (Hindi for 'read the paper')
PP Poosha: PP poor chap
Manuspeeking: May I know who's speaking
Trnmnltrnpnthdevnstnm: Tirumala Tirupati Devasthanam
Manjchee: Manchineelu ee (Telugu for 'give (me) water')

Appendix B - Baal's profile (http://www.rpmduplex.net/rahul/friends.html)

Balavamsi T. [Godavari]: Baal (my unofficial 4th roommate in my first year) accounts for half the diversity of the hostel. His is a wild mixture of American-Zulu accents. English, Telugu, and Hindi have been much assaulted by it! He reads on and on forever, gladly sacrificing his academics to make way for the odd German fairy tale or Bridge game! Baal is horribly thin. The Conservation of Angular Momentum principle is most visibly manifested when he carries his quarter-bucket of water across the wing! Baal is the reason that I have come to be known as the hostel's second Public Announcement system. Nothing fills me with more savage pleasure than to shout 'Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal' at the top of my voice, till I hear the feeble metallic 'yuuuuhn' that announces that he is still alive! Baal now gives his life to strategy games or any other form of programmed computer recreation which matches his own horribly slow metabolism. It would take eight hours or more of Baldur's Gate or some such similarly retarded game, before Baal's sachet of a stomach or any other part of his body starts to feel neglected! Balavamsi's been a friend of mine since the Ramaiah days. He's doing his Computer Science & Engineering.

Appendix C - My Vague Recollection of the Definitions of an Angle
With Due Apologies to Mr. Koteswara Rao

These are very likely to be wrongly reproduced! Distorted beyond recognition is more like it!

The undirected angle of pure geometry is defined as the union of two rays.

The directed angle of trigonometry is defined as the union of two sets of points.